Fear
Fear, just the title alone makes me cringe. So much to talk about and yet nothing to say. I have come to realize that I will never be able to recover from this disease unless I understand my fear. So let’s see…
Growing up—huge fear! I in many, many ways I would like to be a child for as long as humanly possible. It scares me how much time passes and how little i feel i have accomplished and contributed to society. I most importantly think I am afraid of growing up because that means I have to take responsibility for my actions. I also think that since I was nine, the fear of death has stood next to me like my imaginary friend, hovering, waiting. The fear that he might come and take me anytime has completely paralized me. I realize that death for me equals fear. Or does Fear=Death? Maybe it isn’t actual death that i’m terrified of. Maybe I feel fear and automatically make an association to death that isn’t actually accurate. Death to me equals isolation, lonliness, no family, no friends, nothing, never, nada. I realize that this is the concept i’ve grown up with due to circumstance. It really bothers me that people still think I feel this way about the topic. I think my family thinks I haven’t grown at all, and the fact that it is a joke to them only ignites the anger inside of me.
What else? Fear of success? No. Not so much as what happens after that success. The fact is that everything I have done in my life has been to fill a void within me that never goes away. The illusion of success and love and fans and fame and acclaim….I will always grasp to that fantasy and think for a brief moment that feeling all of those feelings and getting all of those achievements would fill me up. The truth is it won’t. It never has and it never will. There is a great fear within me that i’ll never feel whole or complete. I don’t know why I feel that way in the first place and it doesn’t really matter what caused it, because it is there now.
The best and most fantastic way i’ve been able to fill the void in me is with food. How poetic…fill the void with food. The thing is, it really did work for a long time and I suppose I should be grateful that I found something that worked as a temporary solution, but it doesn’t work anymore. The act of filling the void itself creates a larger, darker place within me and that really scares me.
I am fearful. I am afraid of who I really am. I don’t think I know who I really am. That alone is scary. I have grown up living in a fantasy, convincing myself life was like the old movies on TCM that I love to watch—my escape. Escape from the reality of realization…escape from my pain and lonliness, my fear and doubt. With my self esteem floating somewhere in space I have been trying to fill the void within in me. The one that says, I am me! I am fabulous! The one that says, this is what I like and don’t like, this is WHO I AM!
Well, who am i? I can feel the fear already in my throat creeping up into my eyes. Who am I? I don’t know, do i? I know that i’m confused about a lot of my life. I have suddenly realized that my childhood has been swept away, only to realize i want it back. I want a do over, It isn’t fair!!! I wake up and i’m 25, single, and desperate for love. I’m confused about my relationships with men. I sometimes wonder if I should be with women and although i’m liberal the thought of myself admitting that i may be a bi-sexual or even a lesbian is a huge fear. I don’t think that I am, but because I don’t know who I am, I question my own judgement. i think i am so desperate for affection that I don’t care who it is from.
That isn’t how things are supposed to happen or work out. How can I tell the difference between fear of the truth and fear of the unknown? How do I know what is real and true?
Another fear…being alone. What if I never find anyone who wants to be with me? What if I’m alone forever? what if, what if, what if. Talk about paralyzing. How about living in the moment for once?
How can I possibly expect anyone to fall in love with me when I still haven’t fallen in love with myself? Maybe i don’t know who i am, but maybe now is the time to find out. I have spent my whole life being, doing, and thinking that i was supposed to be a certain person, act a certain way and it hasn’t worked. It has broken me. Now i’m crawling around trying to find the motivation to stand again.
I dream of running, of being in a marathon and in shape. I dream of playing music and performing in front of crowds. I dream of falling in love and having a family, of writing a book, of going on tour. I dream of my own practice where I feel I am contributing to the world. Yet, I won’t do a single thing to make most of those dreams come true. Why? FEAR. Fear that I won’t succeed? Fear that I will? How about the fear that I will have actually made all of my dreams come true and still feel empty? Then what?
I have allowed fear to manifest itself in my body. The fear was there long before the eating disorder. The fear came because I was scared I would fail, that i wasn’t good enough, that i’d dissappoint my parents. So I ate. So much that it started to affect my body. Now my fear had an excuse. It didn’t have to really show itself because things were always blamed on my body. Kait doesn’t want to ski, kait’s hiding in the bathroom so she doesn’t have to run in gym class. FEAR, fear that i’d be made fun of, make a fool of myself, not be able to do it.
So maybe it does come down to self esteem and self worth. Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that I wasn’t as good as everyone else, that I was defective, that I was not as worthy…maybe i am a sensitive soul, and maybe my reaction wasn’t what people expected. Maybe they thought I wouldn’t take what they said to heart, that they were just kidding or just looking out for me. But whatever happened, my self hatred grew, my self esteem left me, and i loathed myself. The last time I can remember really being happy was when I was six. I don’t know why, but that’s just the last memory I have. So, feelings of self doubt, low self esteem and feeling unloved, lead to a void inside me. The void needs to be filled with food. The food works, but when it doesn’t the fear creeps in…those feelings come back and they are scary, they frighten me. I don’t want to feel alone, that’s something negative, that’s death. (Interestingly enough, my actions keep me alone and isolate, perpetuating the cycle.) My death. When the fear comes back I eat more and it works.
Until one day the fear comes, the food is eaten and the fear is still there. The food doesn’t do it anymore. In fact, it only perpetuates my negative feelings about myself and then the anger comes. Anger that all of this happened to me in the first place, anger that I’m not heard or seen or loved or thought of, anger that being who i was was never ok, never enough. Anger at myself for not loving myself, believing in myself, or standing up for myself. The anger and the fear…they perpetuate each other.
Now the fear is so far down i don’t see it anymore, the anger comes instead. When the anger comes i am self destructive, i can’t see clearly, all i see is darkness. The amount of anger I have scares me. It is dangerous and my anger is not socially acceptable. So i eat more, i cut, i bang my head against the wall. I try anything to get rid of the anger, because I think it is my fault i feel it, that it is not Normal.
My anger, when released, is a powerful force. Each time I let go of some of it i’m surprised when it comes back again. I keep thinking once it leaves it will never come back, but just like ED and Fear, Anger is waiting in the wings, waiting until there is a moment of self doubt and then it pounces on me. All of these forces are too much for me, so i get depressed and numb myself and live a half life until one day i realize i am so numb the only way i feel is through my pain and i don’t want to live anymore.
So that’s where the journey begins. Death.Fear.Anger.ED…it doesn’t matter what order they came in, they are a part of my cycle. They have been with me longer than any human relationship, aside from my biological family.
The funny thing is, now that i’m aware of it, there is still fear. I am scared to leave all my friends behind. Will i find new ones or will i be completely alone again? Will I succeed in being healthy? How will I know? Will the work be worth the result?
The reality of this situation is that i’m the only one who has the power to change it. I’m the only one that can say, Kaitlin…it’s time to grow up. It’s time to realize your full potential, it is time to love yourself and take control. It is time to realize that you are loved in the most infinite way. It is time to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Do it for yourself, do it because you love yourself, you care, you thrive. Do it because without doing it you will forever live in darkness. Do it because it is the only choice.
3 years ago