Dear E.D.
Dear E.D.-
I fucking hate you. You are a shitty bastard that has been growing inside of me my whole life. You have fucked everything up. You have killed who I really am and stolen my childhood. You have told me so many lies that now they are all that I believe. I have spent and WASTED so much of my time believing you and listening to you. I have hated myself because you told me to. I have cut myself because you told me to. I have binged because you told me to. I’ve thrown up because you have told me to. I have blamed others and played the victim because you said that I should. You went so far as to make me question whether I was worthy enough to even live on this earth and I was loyal to you. I took what you said and obeyed. I slit my wrists and hurt my family and pushed my friends away and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. I’ve dieted my whole life because you—you never let me be. I’m never good enough; you always think I can do better.
Well I’m fucking sick of you! I fucking hate you so much and I want you to go away and never ever, ever, ever come back. But I still love you, ED. You have been my best friend for over 15 years and you have always come through when times have gotten too hard. You were there to help me when I felt unloved and afraid. You were there for me when my friends treated me like shit, boys were mean, and my parents were ignorant. You have been there for me when the media has told me I wasn’t good enough. You were there for me when my heart was broken and when theatre and school began to eat me up inside. You have been a wonderful distraction and you are so good at what you do…you just do it too well. You have shielded me so well from life that I can’t feel anymore. I can’t seem to love anymore, especially myself. You were so smothering that I lost my faith, there just wasn’t room for anyone or anything else.
The thing is, I may have loved you for a long time, but not now, I don’t want to anymore. Now you are just a big dark beast that consumes me. That crawls into me like the dark and stews deep inside me. You are like poison. You are my slow death. You make me so angry that I don’t know what to do with myself. I get so angry because you never let me feel my feelings. When they explode you tell me the best thing to do is just hurt myself. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I keep trying to change other things in my life, but that never takes away the darkness. I have been crawling through Hell for so long, how can I possibly stand up with you constantly pulling me down?
So the problem is with YOU! It isn’t me!!! You have tried to destroy the essence of who I am. The beautiful, loving, funny, kind, caring, passionate, smart, talented person is somewhere so deep inside of me that I often can’t see her. Well, I really need to see her now and you need to get the fuck away and out of my life. I’ve been loyal to you and you need to thank me for that and move on. I thank you for all of the times you have been there for me when I was totally alone. But I’m not alone anymore. I’m a whole person now. I’m a part of something important—LIFE and I don’t want to waste another second of it on you.
SO GET OUT!!!! GO DIE! GO TORTURE YOURSELF INSTEAD. You are no longer welcome in my mind and body. You are not welcomed to eat at my soul. You are not allowed to control me anymore, because I control myself. I am stronger than you and from now on I will fight you anytime you try to come back and hurt me.
I know you are scared of me, so don’t even bother trying. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been in my life. I don’t need you anymore and I don’t want you anymore. You make me sick in so many ways and I will no longer be a sick person. I am Kaitlin Marie Joyce and you have no place being in my life.
Please leave and never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever come back.
With love and hate,
Kaitlin
