My Darling Dodger

Don’t ya just love the DIxie Chicks?! I realized how long it has been since I posted my first post on here, as well as the last. I stopped for a while, out of fear….read earlier post. I realized this needs to be written, even if no one reads it. This is my life with E.D. or shall I say my breakup, or the murder of my beloved E.D. I need to keep writing. I hope you keep reading.

My other sanity

My sanity.

Is it where the heart is? Where the family is? Well, if that’s the case, I don’t want to be “home”. I want to be in my own apartment right now without the family drama, the rude looks, the passive agressive comments, and the overall feeling of discomfort. I’m already looking at the train schedule to try and get home, but will i actually do it? Create more drama, feel guilty?

I feel worse when I’m around my family then I do alone. Yet when i’m alone i’m a mess. So is there a right place to be? Maybe it doesn’t matter where I am, maybe it is me regardless. But at least at home i can do what I want and be alone and not feel constantly bothered by people in my life who clearly have their own issues as well.

I wish i could go home right now…my home. The holidays suck as an adult.

Eat Dominos.

Numb the pain.

Shove it down.

New pain to feel.

Full.

So full you want to die.

So you cry instead.

You sob while you sit in front of the tv.

Wishing your life was like a movie.

Wishing someone loved you.

But you just sit alone.

Chicken wings will dull the pain.

So you can forget that no one’s in love with you.

So you can pretend you aren’t slowly killing yourself.

But one day you’ll wake up…or will you?

Fear, just the title alone makes me cringe. So much to talk about and yet nothing to say. I have come to realize that I will never be able to recover from this disease unless I understand my fear. So let’s see…

Growing up—huge fear! I in many, many ways I would like to be a child for as long as humanly possible. It scares me how much time passes and how little i feel i have accomplished and contributed to society. I most importantly think I am afraid of growing up because that means I have to take responsibility for my actions. I also think that since I was nine, the fear of death has stood next to me like my imaginary friend, hovering, waiting. The fear that he might come and take me anytime has completely paralized me. I realize that death for me equals fear. Or does Fear=Death? Maybe it isn’t actual death that i’m terrified of. Maybe I feel fear and automatically make an association to death that isn’t actually accurate. Death to me equals isolation, lonliness, no family, no friends, nothing, never, nada. I realize that this is the concept i’ve grown up with due to circumstance. It really bothers me that people still think I feel this way about the topic. I think my family thinks I haven’t grown at all, and the fact that it is a joke to them only ignites the anger inside of me.

What else? Fear of success? No. Not so much as what happens after that success. The fact is that everything I have done in my life has been to fill a void within me that never goes away. The illusion of success and love and fans and fame and acclaim….I will always grasp to that fantasy and think for a brief moment that feeling all of those feelings and getting all of those achievements would fill me up. The truth is it won’t. It never has and it never will. There is a great fear within me that i’ll never feel whole or complete. I don’t know why I feel that way in the first place and it doesn’t really matter what caused it, because it is there now.

The best and most fantastic way i’ve been able to fill the void in me is with food. How poetic…fill the void with food. The thing is, it really did work for a long time and I suppose I should be grateful that I found something that worked as a temporary solution, but it doesn’t work anymore. The act of filling the void itself creates a larger, darker place within me and that really scares me.

I am fearful. I am afraid of who I really am. I don’t think I know who I really am. That alone is scary. I have grown up living in a fantasy, convincing myself life was like the old movies on TCM that I love to watch—my escape. Escape from the reality of realization…escape from my pain and lonliness, my fear and doubt. With my self esteem floating somewhere in space I have been trying to fill the void within in me. The one that says, I am me! I am fabulous! The one that says, this is what I like and don’t like, this is WHO I AM!

Well, who am i? I can feel the fear already in my throat creeping up into my eyes. Who am I? I don’t know, do i? I know that i’m confused about a lot of my life. I have suddenly realized that my childhood has been swept away, only to realize i want it back. I want a do over, It isn’t fair!!! I wake up and i’m 25, single, and desperate for love. I’m confused about my relationships with men. I sometimes wonder if I should be with women and although i’m liberal the thought of myself admitting that i may be a bi-sexual or even a lesbian is a huge fear. I don’t think that I am, but because I don’t know who I am, I question my own judgement. i think i am so desperate for affection that I don’t care who it is from.

That isn’t how things are supposed to happen or work out. How can I tell the difference between fear of the truth and fear of the unknown? How do I know what is real and true?

Another fear…being alone. What if I never find anyone who wants to be with me? What if I’m alone forever? what if, what if, what if. Talk about paralyzing. How about living in the moment for once?

How can I possibly expect anyone to fall in love with me when I still haven’t fallen in love with myself? Maybe i don’t know who i am, but maybe now is the time to find out. I have spent my whole life being, doing, and thinking that i was supposed to be a certain person, act a certain way and it hasn’t worked. It has broken me. Now i’m crawling around trying to find the motivation to stand again.

I dream of running, of being in a marathon and in shape. I dream of playing music and performing in front of crowds. I dream of falling in love and having a family, of writing a book, of going on tour. I dream of my own practice where I feel I am contributing to the world. Yet, I won’t do a single thing to make most of those dreams come true. Why? FEAR. Fear that I won’t succeed? Fear that I will? How about the fear that I will have actually made all of my dreams come true and still feel empty? Then what?

I have allowed fear to manifest itself in my body. The fear was there long before the eating disorder. The fear came because I was scared I would fail, that i wasn’t good enough, that i’d dissappoint my parents. So I ate. So much that it started to affect my body. Now my fear had an excuse. It didn’t have to really show itself because things were always blamed on my body. Kait doesn’t want to ski, kait’s hiding in the bathroom so she doesn’t have to run in gym class. FEAR, fear that i’d be made fun of, make a fool of myself, not be able to do it.

So maybe it does come down to self esteem and self worth. Somewhere along the way I got it in my head that I wasn’t as good as everyone else, that I was defective, that I was not as worthy…maybe i am a sensitive soul, and maybe my reaction wasn’t what people expected. Maybe they thought I wouldn’t take what they said to heart, that they were just kidding or just looking out for me. But whatever happened, my self hatred grew, my self esteem left me, and i loathed myself. The last time I can remember really being happy was when I was six. I don’t know why, but that’s just the last memory I have. So, feelings of self doubt, low self esteem and feeling unloved, lead to a void inside me. The void needs to be filled with food. The food works, but when it doesn’t the fear creeps in…those feelings come back and they are scary, they frighten me. I don’t want to feel alone, that’s something negative, that’s death. (Interestingly enough, my actions keep me alone and isolate, perpetuating the cycle.) My death. When the fear comes back I eat more and it works.

Until one day the fear comes, the food is eaten and the fear is still there. The food doesn’t do it anymore. In fact, it only perpetuates my negative feelings about myself and then the anger comes. Anger that all of this happened to me in the first place, anger that I’m not heard or seen or loved or thought of, anger that being who i was was never ok, never enough. Anger at myself for not loving myself, believing in myself, or standing up for myself. The anger and the fear…they perpetuate each other.

Now the fear is so far down i don’t see it anymore, the anger comes instead. When the anger comes i am self destructive, i can’t see clearly, all i see is darkness. The amount of anger I have scares me. It is dangerous and my anger is not socially acceptable. So i eat more, i cut, i bang my head against the wall. I try anything to get rid of the anger, because I think it is my fault i feel it, that it is not Normal.

My anger, when released, is a powerful force. Each time I let go of some of it i’m surprised when it comes back again. I keep thinking once it leaves it will never come back, but just like ED and Fear, Anger is waiting in the wings, waiting until there is a moment of self doubt and then it pounces on me. All of these forces are too much for me, so i get depressed and numb myself and live a half life until one day i realize i am so numb the only way i feel is through my pain and i don’t want to live anymore.

So that’s where the journey begins. Death.Fear.Anger.ED…it doesn’t matter what order they came in, they are a part of my cycle. They have been with me longer than any human relationship, aside from my biological family.

The funny thing is, now that i’m aware of it, there is still fear. I am scared to leave all my friends behind. Will i find new ones or will i be completely alone again? Will I succeed in being healthy? How will I know? Will the work be worth the result?

The reality of this situation is that i’m the only one who has the power to change it. I’m the only one that can say, Kaitlin…it’s time to grow up. It’s time to realize your full potential, it is time to love yourself and take control. It is time to realize that you are loved in the most infinite way. It is time to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Do it for yourself, do it because you love yourself, you care, you thrive. Do it because without doing it you will forever live in darkness. Do it because it is the only choice.

Dear E.D.-

I fucking hate you. You are a shitty bastard that has been growing inside of me my whole life. You have fucked everything up. You have killed who I really am and stolen my childhood. You have told me so many lies that now they are all that I believe. I have spent and WASTED so much of my time believing you and listening to you. I have hated myself because you told me to. I have cut myself because you told me to. I have binged because you told me to. I’ve thrown up because you have told me to. I have blamed others and played the victim because you said that I should. You went so far as to make me question whether I was worthy enough to even live on this earth and I was loyal to you. I took what you said and obeyed. I slit my wrists and hurt my family and pushed my friends away and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate. I’ve dieted my whole life because you—you never let me be. I’m never good enough; you always think I can do better.

Well I’m fucking sick of you! I fucking hate you so much and I want you to go away and never ever, ever, ever come back. But I still love you, ED. You have been my best friend for over 15 years and you have always come through when times have gotten too hard. You were there to help me when I felt unloved and afraid. You were there for me when my friends treated me like shit, boys were mean, and my parents were ignorant. You have been there for me when the media has told me I wasn’t good enough. You were there for me when my heart was broken and when theatre and school began to eat me up inside. You have been a wonderful distraction and you are so good at what you do…you just do it too well. You have shielded me so well from life that I can’t feel anymore. I can’t seem to love anymore, especially myself. You were so smothering that I lost my faith, there just wasn’t room for anyone or anything else.

The thing is, I may have loved you for a long time, but not now, I don’t want to anymore. Now you are just a big dark beast that consumes me. That crawls into me like the dark and stews deep inside me. You are like poison. You are my slow death. You make me so angry that I don’t know what to do with myself. I get so angry because you never let me feel my feelings. When they explode you tell me the best thing to do is just hurt myself. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I keep trying to change other things in my life, but that never takes away the darkness. I have been crawling through Hell for so long, how can I possibly stand up with you constantly pulling me down?

So the problem is with YOU! It isn’t me!!! You have tried to destroy the essence of who I am. The beautiful, loving, funny, kind, caring, passionate, smart, talented person is somewhere so deep inside of me that I often can’t see her. Well, I really need to see her now and you need to get the fuck away and out of my life.  I’ve been loyal to you and you need to thank me for that and move on. I thank you for all of the times you have been there for me when I was totally alone. But I’m not alone anymore. I’m a whole person now. I’m a part of something important—LIFE and I don’t want to waste another second of it on you.

SO GET OUT!!!! GO DIE! GO TORTURE YOURSELF INSTEAD. You are no longer welcome in my mind and body. You are not welcomed to eat at my soul. You are not allowed to control me anymore, because I control myself. I am stronger than you and from now on I will fight you anytime you try to come back and hurt me.

I know you are scared of me, so don’t even bother trying. I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been in my life. I don’t need you anymore and I don’t want you anymore. You make me sick in so many ways and I will no longer be a sick person. I am Kaitlin Marie Joyce and you have no place being in my life.

Please leave and never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever come back.

With love and hate,

Kaitlin

I tend to suffer from this disease, or should I say dis ease?!  Recovery is like life in a lot of ways…when it rains it pours and just when you think things couldn’t get worse they suddenly do.  Then as the tears are pouring down my face there is a sudden realization-a sudden peace-and I find the will to start over again and things get better.  Why is it always so back and forth? Why can’t recovery just be a continuing upward slant? Instead I feel like i’m doing the hammertime and don’t know whether i’m coming or going! 

I’ve been in a real funk the last couple of days. Could it be because i’m 25 now? Maybe it is finally that I got my tattoo i’ve wanted for years and was allowing my parents to make me feel bad about it?

Ever notice how cruel people can be? And yet, I bet you that the person we are most horrible to is ourselves! Why am I talking in the “we”…i hate that. I am most hard on myself—I need to let it go!

 I find that when i’m feeling down I like to listen to music that really expresses those feeling I can’t seem express. Some people might find that to be depressing, but I figure, the only thing depressing is pretending. So bring it on…